Sunday Story...Don't Should on Me

Sunday Story…Don’t Should on Me

“The most difficult battle you will ever face is the battle to be unique” James Arthur Ray

The other day a friend and I were having tea (actually carrot juice but tea sounds so much more urbane) and he expressed a concern about all the things he “should” be doing. Getting out in nature more, using cloth diapers, growing a garden all came “shoulding” out. Then I attended a talk given by a very knowledgeable Doctor about fitness and nutrition. And I got “should” on all over. This phrase we use so often is so charged with emotion that it is frightening. These 2 conversations set me to thinking about all the things I “should” be doing. And where do those things come from that I should be doing? Who says I “should” be doing those things? Because, really, if those things were all that important wouldn’t I already be doing them?

Then I start carrying around all my “shoulds” with the rest of My Stuff. This is going to require an awfully big sack after a decade or two. I might even need a hand truck or wagon or something to get it all in! I should have gone to Law School. I should have married that person. I should have taken that job, joined the Army or the Peace Corps, or written that letter. And then there are the people around me telling me about all the things I “should” be doing, or “should” have done. You should exercise more. You should eat better, meditate, and be kinder to animals. Yes you should.

But I feel so bad when I think about the things I should be doing and am not doing. I feel guilty when I don’t exercise, or when I eat food that doesn’t nourish my body the way I want to. I feel remorse when I look back and realize I should have done this or that. These feelings arise because I think some need I have is not being fulfilled. I have a need for health. When I do not exercise that need is not fulfilled. But I do exercise (OK, I don’t exercise, I train) a lot. So how is it if I miss a session I start “shoulding” all over myself. I should have exercised today. Then I start feeling badly and start using the guilt gun on myself. But I did exercise yesterday. And I can exercise tomorrow. So where does this feeling of guilt arise from. What need did I miss, because I am fulfilling my need for health already?

“Should” arises from a cognitive dissonance set up by some expectation I or someone else or society has put upon me. I have an expectation to exercise daily. When I don’t do that I am “out of integrity” with my own plan and my vision of myself. The dis-harmony that this creates is a cognitive dissonance. Think of it as one note on a piano being out of tune. Every time that key is stroked the tune sounds poorly. The more keys that are broken or out of tune the less likely it is that the tune will be harmonious and pleasant to the ear. The more often that I play the tune with broken keys the less likely I am to keep playing the piano. Or, the more often I experience the cognitive dissonance of not exercising when I planned to the more likely it is that I will stop altogether. I dislike the feelings that cognitive dissonance creates in me.

I can fix this cognitive dissonance, these broken keys, if you will. I can refocus my exercise goals. I can make a new plan that will change the dis-harmony into a melody again. The real problem arises from the vague rules or expectations our society puts upon us. This dissonance is a little harder to deal with. I should have a bigger house, a larger bank account, a newer car. Society and culture puts this out there as the one, right, and true way. I should do all these things to be truly productive or successful. Says who? When society “shoulds” on me I can take it to heart and try to create harmony that has my goals and society’s perceived needs in alignment with one another. Or maybe I should play a different tune that doesn’t need to use those broken keys. Maybe I can create a new music that will be in harmony with the world I want to live in, a world where the “shoulds" of society aren’t getting smeared all over me (go here to see what these people are doing about their “shoulds”… http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=3619)

This requires me to re-write my programming. This re-creation of what I want to do, what I want my world to look like will require work on my part. It is easy to do what society says I “should” do…get married, have a career, retire, watch the latest reality TV show, and get the latest gadget. It is a little more challenging to discover your purpose and then live every day into the vision of fulfilling your purpose. Discovering what I am meant to do, who the real me is supposed to be is work boys and girls. The struggle to be unique, to be truly how I am not who I “should” be is worthy of our trip here. Or as e. e. cummings said…”It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”

So…ready to grow up?

Namaste

John

“Teaching Focus, Inspiring Transformation”

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