Sunday Story…Connection

 Sometimes the person on the other end doesn’t want to play…in other words, they are going to be stuck in their old pattern of only hearing what they want to hear, formulating their answer before you finish and defending their position or attacking yours.

 

When that happens we refer back to the second gift…own your own experience. I am not in charge of the other person’s communications or experience. I can only take care of myself and my experience.

 

So what to do when the communication can’t take place? You could revert back to your old patterns and ways of communicating but that really shouldn’t be an option since it is so unsatisfying. You could keep trying to force the other party into your way of thinking and communicating but that is a no-win proposition. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. You could just stop trying but again no one wins in that situation either.

 

Here’s an idea…keep communicating in a way designed to keep the connection. Your primary purpose is to stay connected not be right or be the better person. Own your experience and express your desire to be connected. Then let it go. That’s right…let it go. Stay connected, yet not invested in the outcome. The outcome is connection, not communication.

 

Sometimes the best goal is to have no goal.

 

John Mariotti

www.crossfitodyssey.com

www.sunday-stories.com

775-338-2412

 

Sunday Story…The Gift

Of Clarity.

 

Clear and precise communication is a gift for both the speaker and the listener. When I have listened deeply and completely I have given you the gift of my attention. When I have answered in a way that has my answer be about me and not you, I have given you the gift of my experience.

 

Finally, I will give the gift of clarity…clarity in my request, clarity in my communication, clarity in my desire for connection. In order to do this, I have to give myself that gift first. Clarity in my desire requires me to know precisely what I want. Until I can be clear to myself it will be nearly impossible to be clear to you.

 

Once I achieve clarity internally I can express to you what my request is. And when I do so, I will be as precise and as exact as possible. And I will couch it in a way that allows you to do one of three things…say yes, say no or negotiate. You see, it isn’t a request unless you can say no.

 

When I implement the gifts of listening, owning my own experience, and clarity I can make sure we are both communicating and connecting with one another. And isn’t that what we all want?

 

John Mariotti

www.crossfitodyssey.com

www.sunday-stories.blogspot.com

775-338-2412

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday Story…The Gift

 

Of owning your own experience.

 

You listened and you made sure you understood what the speaker was trying to impart to you. You got clear and you and the speaker are on the terra firma of understanding one another.

 

Now you respond. You can choose to respond by parsing the speaker’s words and picking them apart to fulfill a desire to be right and defend whatever position you feel is yours to defend. But will that move the conversation forward in any meaningful way?

 

Or you can respond by speaking to your experience…when I heard you say… (fill in the blank with their words)…I felt… (fill in this blank with a feeling, i.e. angry, sad, happy, joyful)…because I have a need for (fill in the blank with a universal need, i.e. independence, security, community). At this point, you have addressed only your experience. You have not attacked the position or the person you are communicating with. You are sharing what you have experienced in this communication.

 

At this point the conversation has several forks it could take and a lot of it depends on the other side but one of the easiest is to request a recounting of what the other person heard you say. This is the point where you will know if your message to them was received. If it was then great you could make another request to solve your need. But if it was not you may need to restate it or even just move on, own your own experience and let them own theirs.

 

Most of us want to be right. Most of us also want to be connected. It is very difficult to be both right and connected. You choose.

 

John Mariotti

www.sunday-stories.blogspot.com

www.crossfitodyssey.com

775-338-2412

 

 

 

 

Sunday Story…The Gift

Of listening…deeply and completely.  Listening without planning or plotting a response. Listening to the words said and the words unsaid without agenda or expectation is a gift for both of you.

 

Way too often we listen with half our attention applied to formulating the answer. This is especially true when we are having hard or confronting conversations. The more I feel like I need to defend my position the less likely I am to be fully engaged in the listening.

 

The real problem is when I do this I am liable to miss the greatest import of the message. I am doing a disservice to both of us. The speaker isn’t heard and I am not receiving the message.  Then guess what happens? This process repeats itself over and over again until we are no longer on the same page. I am answering you about messages you never sent and you are doing the same back to me. Small wonder human communication is so easy to get messed up.

 

Try this next time you are having a conversation. Look at the person speaking and concentrate fully on the words they are saying. Let each word permeate your brain. Then instead of responding ask if you can tell them what you heard them say? If they agree, tell them what you heard them say and ask if you were correct. If you were then you can formulate your response. A response that will reflect the fact that you heard what was being communicated and responded to that communication.

 

Listening deeply and completely is a gift to both the speaker and listener.

 

John Mariotti

www.crossfitodyssey.com

www.sunday-stories.blogspot.com

775-338-2412