Sunday Story…Please Release MeAnd let me go.
An old story…2 monks were walking along the river when they came upon the normal crossing point. There was a woman there in tears. The older monk asked what the problem was only to be told that she was deathly afraid of the water and could not swim. The older monk suggested she climb upon his back and he would carry her across. The younger monk followed him across, shaking his head the whole time. When they reached the other bank, the monk put the woman down and acknowledged her thanks with a slight bow. The 2 monks headed down the path and the woman went her own way. The younger monk was obviously agitated and continued shaking his head and muttering under his breath. After about 2 miles of this the older monk finally asked him what the problem was. The young monk exclaimed excitedly, “I can’t believe you carried that woman across the river on your back. You know we are prohibited any contact with women. Yet you let her crawl on your back and carried her across! This is terrible, just terrible. Wait until the abbot hears about this.” The older monk gave a slight smile and said, “I left her 2 miles back at the crossing. Why are you still carrying her?”
I am no paragon of virtue. I am human with all the foibles and blemishes that go along with ½ century of life. I have hurt other people deeply. I have been the progenitor of pain and torment for a number of people. I have done some things that I am really not proud of at all. Things I am ashamed to admit. Yet admit them I do. In the world I currently reside in there is no room for anything less than 100% responsibility. In naming and owning all the things I have done, I am responsible for each of them.
Yet responsibility is not enough. There is no way to go back and get a “do-over” or as they say in golf a “mulligan”. What has been done is done. The hurt and pain has been incurred. Nothing I can say or do will ever change that. I can apologize. I can take responsibility but I can never take back the pain and suffering that arose from my actions. I can do penance or wear a “hair shirt” for the rest of my days but, unlike the Catholic Confessional, there is no absolution, no washing away of my sins, no way to expiate the actions of my past.
So what is possible? What can be done to move forward? It appears that the only choice is to crawl up into a cave somewhere, tear my hair out and die. Or roll around in the pity sty snuffling and snorting in the mud and garbage of wrong actions and wrong thoughts and wrong, well, everything. And then, depending on your belief system, you get to spend the rest of eternity in some form of hell or are born a lower life form for countless lives, or some other equally nasty fate. Hmmmm…I am thinking not. Isn’t there some chance at redemption? Isn’t there something that can be done that provides some kind of redemption? Isn’t there some kind of reconciliation between the person of the past, the person who did the dirty deeds and the person today, the person walking the line?
If I have hurt you, I am truly sorry. If I have hurt you because I was unconscious of my own psyche, my own shadow, my pursuing demons I am very, very sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I did not set out to harm you or anyone else, yet harm you I did. I cannot change what has passed. What I can do and what I am doing is digging into my psyche. Pulling out all the little creepy crawlies that has me do the things I do and shove them into the light. Rather than stuffing it all back and saying I have dealt with it, I am healing them. I am welcoming my shadows, my nasty little critters that rise up when I am not looking, and embracing them in all their rude little ways. Learning to live with them and creating an ally relationship with each and every one of them. This is the only way for me to evolve. The only way I can honor the hurt I have caused you. Because I can’t change it. I can’t mitigate it. I can’t take it away. But I can make sure it doesn’t happen again. I can make sure that I am doing the real work of my life. In this way, should our paths cross again, I will be the person you always thought I was. Or the person you had hoped and dreamed I was. This is the only path to living a life of honor and integrity and purpose.
Your pain is yours. My pain is mine. I am dealing with the results of my actions by discovering all the little and large things that have had me do things that were painful both to you and to me. I am healing, little by little, moving forward in an attempt to understand who I really and truly, at the deepest core am. I know that may not be enough in this life but it is my mission. I hope I can inspire you to:
Put me down. Like the young monk in the story, stop carrying me around. Leave me back at the river crossing where our paths parted. I am much too heavy of a burden
Release me, let me go. Stop trying to get some retribution, some payment for your pain. There is no form of exchange that will erase what is done.
Please release me,
Let me go.
Namaste
John
“Teaching Focus, Inspiring Transformation”
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